A new hobby!

I have found myself something new that I absolutely love doing to pass the time!  I Love to Crochet!  It keeps my hands busy and my mind occupied!  I do a little bit each day!  I have completed 2 blankets and 3 scarfs!  I am working on a hat and learning to make flowers (Thanks to YouTube)!

My grandmother taught me how to knit, and then she taught me how to crochet!  My 11 year old daughter is now knitting and crocheting as well!  The last hour or so at the end of our day we sit together on the sofa, crochet and talk about our day!  Lately we have been reminising about Bumpy!

Life seems so quiet lately and sometimes I am still just speechless!  I have began counseling again to help me through and to figure things out!  Zoloft has become my new anit-depressant and seems to be working effectively!

Sometimes in the shuffle of things you lose sight of those that really matter to you!  Such as my husband, as much as I love him, while going through the motions of my dad's passing; I found that I pushed him away!  Well, during my counseling session I was told he and I needed some alone time (a date night rather), so Saturday night we got dressed up and headed for dinner and just focused on "US"!  I realized I loved him all over again and it felt so good to be back in his arms with the love that he gives! 

But it is normal to feel guilty, that I am in the arms of my husband, being happy and my mum is downstairs "alone".... 

Anyways, here is a few pictures of my projects that I have finished! 

And my last photo, is just a recent photo of me!

Enjoy!

~Mandy

Where Have I Been

It's amazing at how life just goes so fast! Sometimes you just feel like you are the Energizer Bunny!  I can't even begin to tell you about my journey the past few months I have vanished, but I can tell you one thing!  I never wish it upon anyone!  EVER!

Well, I know I told you all that my dad was sick "Bumpy" we call him!  Bumpy was diagnosed with lung cancer back in the very end of May!  So Bumpy was going for treatment, Chemo and Radiation! In December Bumpy was having a really hard time and we had found out that the treament Bumpy was going through didn't do a Damn thing to the tumors in his lungs. So he had just began a new round of Chemo and then a week later he was just really having a hard time breathing and was shaking and trembling...

On thursday the 15th was his next Dr's appointment which we all went to! Bumpy, mum, Bumpy's Sister and Brother and me.  The Dr took a look at him and knew something wasn't right!  Sent him over for x-ray and CT Scan.  They found a pulmonary embolism in his left lung.  Was sent up to ICU, in which there were some really rough days. Monday Bumpy slept all day, was seeing things, and talking to people who weren't there.  Bumpy told the Dr he saw some old family and lights.. Bumpy asked mum if he was dying. Mum told him she wasn't a Dr and didn't know!  Early morning Wed the 21 st Bumpy was transfered to Foster Wing ... Throughout this whole time,  Me and Mum and His Brothers and Sister, were up quite often (everyday) almost all day by his side.

On Thursday morning the 22nd Me and Bumpy were in the room, the Dr came in and had a conversation with us about treatment and if Bumpy wanted to continue.. Bumpy told the Dr "I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this" and Bumpy looked at me and told me "Mandy, I am tired.  I am just tired"!  So, decisions were made and they stopped all treatment, fluids, blood tests, and just gave Bumpy the Morphine to keep him comfortable. 

Bumpy passed away on Christmas Eve 12/14 at 1:50 pm.  With me and mum holding his hand, talking to him and kissing him...

Christmas Day was spent picking out caskets, making arrangements and picking out photos and his clothes for the wake and funeral!  Ugghhhh!  

Its been rough, the week of the wake and funeral was a blur (I was dosed up on Ativan to help my nerves.) 

Well, that has been my story!  My weight has been on the back burner for quite sometime now.. But I think now it's time to focus back on me and my weight, my health, and my family! 

Happy New Year to all!  I am sure hoping 2012 is MY YEAR!

~Mandy

Where have I been?

Been a long time since I have posted anything on here!  I am in such a rut, not sure how to get out!

I am turning the BIG 30 on the 30th of this month!  OMG... really why am I having such a hard time with 30?  I can't figure out why, but I am terrified of 30!  I have been lovin my 20's and enjoying life... I guess I feel like if I turn 30... I am really growing up!  (Not that I am not grown up...) ... but you get my point??  Or not really??  I know I am confusing!

Well, things overall are OK here.. Not great, not bad, just OK!  Bumpy finished his major rounds of Chemo and Radiation.  Now he is only going for Chemo once every 3 weeks.  No more radiation.. CAT Scan looked good and the biggest tumor was dying from the inside out!  (Dr's have never seen that before).  However, it is a good thing!

Work has been extremely busy, and now that my boss is back I am hoping things will finally slow down a bit for me!  Both my boss and co-worker have been on maternity leave!  My co-worker comes back in October!

My Hannah Banana is now in 6th grade (middle school/junior high), whatever you want to call it!  Joshua is now a 1st grader!  Uggghhh  I want to cry my babies are growing up.

I went for a haircut today!  I really needed something different SOOOOoooooo... I got bangs!  I love them, think they look great!  My husband and Hannah (not so much)!

Well, I have gained back about 35 lbs of what I lost.. I am back up over 200 lbs.. and not pleased with myself.. but stress happens, life happens, and everyone says I still look great!  But now my 14' jeans are a bit tight!  LOL.  After my 30th birthday bash I plan to get on track and begin a new program!  So we see how that goes!

Well, I am off to dinner with my husband, kids, mom, bumpy and grandparents.

~Mandy

What do I do?

It sure has been a while since my last post!  But lately my life has been busier than Ever!  With the duties of everyday life and the extras happening lately, I haven't had time to really sit down and think!  I now have all day to do so while I wait with my dad (aka Bumpy) as he gets another full day of Chemo & Radiation!  Today out of all days has been quite tough; Bumpy has been extremely dizzy, nausea and dehydrated.  I had to help him get ready this morning, tie his shoes and help him to the bathroom, car, and seat.  Bumpy has lost all of his hair at this point and the best news is....He is no longer having any pain!  What I don't understand is that they say they want to treat the cancer so he could have his quality of life-where it was before the Cancer!  How is that possible when he is sick and weak everyday???  I am sitting here listening to the IV Machine pump all these fluids and poisons into his body, watching him sit in the recliner, eyes shut, breathing shallow, twitching every now and then!  Waiting for today to be done with!

Tomorrow I take my Grandpa to the Cardiologist for a Follow Up!  I am hoping all looks good!

As for myself, I am really out of sorts here!  I have not weighed in for about 3 weeks now!  I am scared to get on the scale and see how much I have gained!  I am in therapy once a week!  Working 40 hours but really  should be working 80 hours... I have no time to do my job and everyone else's!  My boss is on Maternity Leave and my Co-Worker (Case Manager) will be on Maternity Leave starting Next MONTH!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am stressed to the max!  Not sure what to do!  I haven't had any time to exercise, cause when I get home and finished everything ... I am completely exhausted!  In the morning... I don't want to get out of bed!  I am hoping this week I can get back into the swing of things.. Plus the weather won't be too bad this week!  The past few days were BRUTAL!!!

Well, not much more to add today!  Just been hanging in there and trying to keep it together!  My Hannah Banana is doing an Awesome Job at staying strong for her BUMPY!  But every now and then; when I tell her its ok to cry.... We both break down and cry!!!

Till next time,

~Mandy

In a SLUMP

There is not one week that I have lost weight since they took my band from me!  I walk and jog and eat right and do all I NEED TO DO... and I gain 1.2 every single Freakin Week (with the exception of one week it was 1.6)!  What the hell!  Have I hit the plateau...  

I had my friend Jenna over last night.. we had some Margaritas and I was DRUNK!  I had not been DRUNK in a loooonnnnggg loooonnnnggggg time!  Forgot what that felt like... We had a great time though, playin cards, laughing and drinking!  It was a good night for me to forget about my TROUBLES and just LET LOOSE!  

Yesterday I was cleanin my house and my mom came upstairs and asked me to give my dad a buzz cut!  He lost alot of hair yesterday while in the shower!  Its more real than ever now!  :(     I always give the men in my life haircuts.. but this time was different with my dad...   My heart ached and I wanted to break down and cry!

Well, I am honestly short for words today!  Not much happening here... I am gaining weight and stressed out and trying to find my way through it all!  

Now for a few photos!   

summer vaca

Well, I am on vacation this week!  Today I took my kiddos to my aunt's pool!  I put on a bathing suit!  Been a long time since I wore a bathing suit!  But I did it!  I even went swimming with the kids!  I had a blast!  

Here is my swimsuit!

Here is me and my kiddos in the water

I have had a wonderful vacation, being active, taking the kids to the park, walking ( I walked about 10 miles yesterday and 6 miles Monday)!  I didn't walk this morning due to the rain, so I am hoping to go tonight!  I did exercise already today (swimming)!

So back to reality!  My dad had his worse day yet!  Oh the vomiting was non stop all night and all morning yesterday!  Its so hard to see him suffering from this horrible disease!  I Hate IT!  My mom and myself decided to sit down with my girls yesterday and talk about Bumpy (my dad) and how he has cancer.  My oldest (Hannah) who is Bumpy's little girl!!!!!!!!!  Was very quiet and not quite sure what all this meant...later last night I went to her room and her and I talked about it a little more and I explained it a bit more detailed and told her it is ok to be scared and it's OK to cry!  Soon as I said that, she broke into tears and hugged me and didn't let go!  (I cried too)!  I am heart broken to see her so scared and worried!

Well, camping this weekend!  I can't wait!  Then back to work on Tuesday next week!  My boss is on maternity leave and the new case manager who is workin with me will be on maternity leave too in August!  So things will be back to chaos in a few weeks!  :)   My life as we know it!

Therapy again on Friday morning 7am!  I also called my Dr to up my dose of Prozac... now up to 40 mg and Ativan as needed!!!

me and my hubby by pool ( i have no make up on )!  SCARY!!!!

Take Care Everyone,

~Mandy

ReFocus

So as I posted the other night, life has been a bit Crazy these past few months!  I must honestly say that since I had my Lap Band Removed, things have just been going in a downward spiral!  I have become not only a care giver to my kids, but my dad and grandparents too!  Amazing I am taking care of 3 generations (2 before and one after me)!!!


I have now become the main person for my grandfathers Dr. Appointments!  Not sure why, but it always seems as though he doesn't get mad at me!  (I tell him like it is)!  "YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DR!  You just had a Freak-in Knee replacement and your leg should not be discolored like that!  CALL THE DR!"  As an old stubborn Irish Man, Grandpa refused to call the Dr..... So I did it for him!  I was furious to find out a baseball hit him in the knee a few days before that why his leg was bruised!  I love him dearly!  I also called his Heart Dr to schedule an appointment for his follow up.  


I have been taking time off of work to go to the Dr's with my dad too!  Chemo, Radiation, blood work, and stool samples!  Calling the Oxygen place cause the machine isn't working!  Making sure his weight is maintaining and he isn't losing too much.  Today he was the same as last week! His pain is being managed, better than before!  We just pray every day that treatment will help him and help improve his quality of life!  I have yet to tell my kids anything and I know they are worried, but I at first need to be OK with this diagnosis... and I am still not!  I am still in shock!  


When my Nana was coming home from Rehab, I needed to call insurance companies, medical supply companies, and Dr's office to get prescriptions and supplies for her to come home.  Commodes, shower chairs, ect....  


My husband and I have always had troubles with his ex.. and now they have just gotten worse!  I flipped out on her!  I not sure where all the anger is coming from... but she really gets under my skin!  Maybe now that I am not going to let her "run" my life, as she has in the past.  We always finagle our schedule accommodating her!  NO MORE SWEETHEART!  Thursday was our anniversary, and I told her we would not be home on Friday night.  Apparently she had plans and told me "NO, Natasha goes Friday to Sunday this weekend"!  Ummm... NOPE NOT THIS TIME!  Do you know the Crazy bitch sat in our driveway for 45 mins waiting for us to come home!  We didn't answer the phones or anything!  Then on Saturday she dropped her off and started her shit!  I am so tired of this shit now!  I could no longer keep my mouth shut!  Nearly 7 years of keepin quiet!  I have grown a pair of balls and WOW!!!!  HA Ha Ha... So I guess she is taking us back to court again!  


I am on vaca this week and excited to just have some time off to help clear my mind.  My kids are now out of school for the summer, they are drivin me nutty already!  I will be glad to get back to work on the 5th of July! LOL~  


Well, Take Care Everyone!  I have missed blogging!  

~Mandy